Dear Stephen

I am so excited to write you this letter. I dream of the day when you can write back to me. You have grown so much in the past 2 months. We've always known a lot about you, Stevie. We've known how you like cows and trucks and trains. We've known by watching you and spending time with you. Now, it is even more exciting to get to know our boy ...because now, we are hearing from you! We are for the first time getting a glimpse of some of those thoughts going on inside you. We are learning your favorite songs in Sunday School are the "cluck" song (Days of the Week with cluck sounds) and the "J" song ...or you sort of say "A" (J.E.S.U.S. song). A couple of weeks ago was the first time you have responded to our questions with more than a "yes" or "no" or "ok." Grandma asked you about singing in Sunday School, and you told us "cluck." Then one night before bed, I asked you what you did with Daddy downstairs (while I was on the phone). You shared about "trains" how they "bump" and "bump in the house" (a little game you play with Daddy). We're so proud of you. We didn't even know you could say "house." You laughed and laughed to us on Daddy's lap because we were FINALLY undertanding you. It was a moment I hope never to forget. Our first conversation.

I can't tell you how thankful I am to the Lord to see your bright eyes and hear word after new word bubbling out of your sweet mouth. A light switch has been turned on within you the past couple of months (the day we started those probiotics). We still have our challenges and struggles, but Stevie, you are working hard and doing so well. We have a God who hears and answers our prayers.

A couple of weeks ago, you were having a difficult week and so was I. Your behavior is often affected with the struggles you have verbally and within. When days are hard for you, they are hard on me. There's just so much in you that wants to come out, and I know that. In church during the worship singing that week, I was struck that we are going to learn together how to persevere and praise God through these unique trials. Your Dad and I have had some heavy challenges in our marriage, but God has always been faithful. We have been praying for your communication and development, and sometimes I admit, I could only pray with tears because I didn't know the words to say. You know what, Stevie? God heard those tears as prayers. Jesus intercedes for us when we don't have the words or don't know how to ask God for help. So, if God hears my tears, He most certainly hears yours! He most certainly knows every thought you have and every word you want to say but can't. When we don't understand you, Stevie, God does. When you feel alone, He is always there. Oh, He's a great and loving God, Stephen. He knows everything about you, and how often I rest in that. I rest in knowing our loving Creator, the One who knit you together in my womb, is for us and not against us, and has overcome the world. Oh, how I claim those truths of Who He is, for you and for me.

As we walk through these challenges, I pray that God meets you in such an intimate way in your little heart and mind, and I can't wait to hear all about it when you've grown. May your strength, perseverance, and confidence come through Him. He's already working in you, Stevie, as a 2 year old boy. He's answering our prayers and is deeply involved and invested in your young life. I cannot wait to see what more He does in you and through you. You are a gift, my Stephen, a gift of immeasurable value. Remember, your name means crowned gift of God. James 1:12 is on your name board, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." So, as we hit the bumps in the road, let's remember how far he's brought us. Let's build an altar of thankfulness for Who He is, what He's done, and what He is yet to do. And then, with His help and grace, we will keep pressing on.

Love always and forever through the sunshine and the rain,
Mom

Do You Know How Much You're Loved?

So, today has not been going very smoothly for me, but for you, Stevie? You have been so content today. I am so thankful for you.

The other day, as Daddy was getting you up in the morning, he was singing this crazy song about you that he was making up as he went. It was something about you being his boy. It was silly. The thing that stuck out to me though, not even being in the room, was how much your Daddy loves you. This moment in time stood still as I stood in the next room and just listened to him and to you. Your Dad loves you so much he isn't afraid to be silly with you and sing like an opera man to make you smile. And so I wonder, do you know how much your Daddy loves you? Do you know how much your Mommy loves you? I felt in that moment, that yes, you enjoyed the song, but did you know, did you really know, as I do and Daddy does, the depth of our love for you...even in a silly song. You are just so little to understand it.

Later that day, Daddy was coming down the stairs, and we were playing in the living room. As he descended, he was singing that song again, "Oh, Stevie boy!" As soon as you heard him, a little smile curled across your lips and you walked quickly to the stairs to meet him. Do you know how special it is to be his little boy?

It's just another one of those instances where I see a little more of our God's love for us. We are so small and lack so much understanding. I bet there are times when God looks at us in love and says, "If only you could fully grasp how much I love you." We think we do, and at times, we have what seems like a pretty good idea of His great love, but oh how much more we have yet to learn and experience. And Stevie, you are helping me learn more about His love for us everyday, and we pray that through us, you are also learning more about His love for you each day.

I love you so much, Stephen! Love always, Mom

another lesson learned

Stevie is a great teacher, at least an eye opener. I've learned so much already being a mom. Mostly, I learn more and more about God's love for us through Stevie, how God loves us as His children, and what an absolute blessing that is.

This is a long one...

Stevie is hitting that age... He is hitting that age where he'd like to be more independent and do things when he wants to and how he wants to. I could never be like that. Ahem. When his desires are interrupted or squelched altogether, he is now throwing fits. This most often occurs at the changing table (he must be a boy not to care about having a messy diaper), but it also occurs at other times. The other day, I was stopped in my tracks right in the middle of one of his fits. Stevie had been heading in some direction, on some mission, and I swooped him up before he got where he wanted to go. I don't remember what his mission appeared to be, but I honestly don't think (remember) it was something he wasn't allowed to do or a place he wasn't allowed to go. I just had other plans. So, I scooped him up, and the fit ensued. Right in that moment, as I held him tight so he would not slam himself on our hardwood floors, I realized...

I realized how Stevie is like me (and yes, probably you too). There are times that I have strong desires, but I'm halted. It's as if I'm being picked up away from them, and I don't always like it. I suppose there are even times I may throw an adult version of the "fit."

Back to Stevie. He doesn't know what I have planned for him. He doesn't know what is about to happen soon or why I picked him up. There are a variety of reasons I swoop in, sometimes because of danger and other times to meet a need (food, diaper change, etc.), and even other times, I just have something better up my sleeve for him. I know Stevie. He had a desire, but I knew that did not compare to what I had planned for him.

While he threw his fit (a short one), I began to prepare him to go outside. He still didn't know why I was preparing him, but he calmed down and surrendered to me. I put his hat and sweatshirt on. When we were ready, we went outside for a walk and some swinging time. These are some of Stevie's favorite things in the whole world. I knew that. I knew they were better than getting into one of the unpacked boxes or whatever he was planning to do.

So, what exactly was the part that hit me the most? I know my boy. I love my boy. I want what is best for him, and I know what that is...even if he doesn't know it himself. I really do care about him. I care so much that I'll even give him something better than he can think of or see right now. First, he needs to stop and be prepared. Sometimes, when I'm going through life or rough patches, I can have human blinders. I can lose sight that maybe there is something to come of this, maybe there is better. God really is watching me, caring for me, preparing me. He really does know me and what is best.

A beautiful example of this is the home we are living in. We looked at several houses. We put a couple of offers in that were declined. One house, I really, really liked. Others, just didn't seem to fit our needs. We came to one, the one right before this one (well, 2 houses before it) that we were considering. This house needed a lot of work, honestly, more work than I wanted to have to deal with. It was tiny, really tiny, and it had a couple of other issues. We looked at it a 2nd time with both sets of parents. My parents were less than thrilled about it. I was a bit discouraged. I knew they just wanted to see us in the home of our dreams, but I wanted to be realistic...and them to be realistic for us too. Afterwords, I ended up sending an email to my dad, explaining a whole myriad of considerations surrounding purchasing a house or not and the timing...and a brief overview of our capabilities. Matt and I decided to wait on moving forward with that house. In the meantime, we found 2 more houses to look at. The first one, was a definite "not for us house." It was certainly liveable, but the kitchen had a hmm, 16 inch entry way? Seriously. I said to Matt, if I'm ever pregnant again, I will not be able to get in the kitchen, and then off of the kitchen was the laundry room. It was a really odd house. Anyway, I was a bit discouraged...not overly so, just sort of, "man, is there anything we can afford that will suit our needs and be pleasant?" We had one more to see that day. I remember clearly our realtor saying, "Maybe the next one's the one."

Well, as soon as we walked in the door, we knew. We knew it was the house God had planned for us all along. And you know what I just love? There are things about this house that were "dream home" qualities for me. I knew we didn't have tons to work with financially, and I knew I would need to be content wherever we moved...to joyfully make our home wherever/whatever our house was. God dreamed bigger for me, and gave me even more than what I desired or hoped for. He gave me an old house with beautiful hardwood floors (I love hardwood floors), white trim, woodwork, and crown molding throughout (which is gorgeous), super tall ceilings that my men need and would comfortably move about with, and a remodeled kitchen. Let me pause with that...a remodeled kitchen. The other houses we looked at, I just decided that one day, we would try to fix up the kitchens. I didn't like many of them, but even though they were old and tiny, I could deal with several of them. When we walked into this house to the kitchen, it was like God was saying, "How about this?" with a twinkle in His eye. Our jaws dropped. This was the 2nd or 3rd room in the house that we saw...hadn't even gone upstairs yet or around the corner of the first floor, and we knew, we just knew this home had been set aside for us. More things beyond our hopes came to our attention. The town is working on creating a trail right next to our house. One of my frustrations was having no place to run and walk with Stevie. We would drive to a canal path...and when we did, Stevie would inevitably fall asleep, ruining his naptimes. This house is also near a park and has streets with sidewalks...so we have our pick! What a blessing this would be! Another fun piece of info: I found the house posted for the first time online just that day. We were the first ones to see it. We were the only ones to see it. Interior pictures hadn't even been posted until after our offer was accepted.

My dad had written an email back to me in response to mine to him before we were led to our house. He told me to continue to keep our eyes open and to pray. His last words to me before, "Love, Dad" were, "If you find a hidden treasure in the field of a place, bury it quickly and buy the field!" Well, here was our hidden treasure, for our eyes only. After walking through it, we went back to the office to put our offer in. After we moved in, one of our neighbors jokingly said, "We don't have any town gossip to tell you, just that we heard this house sold in like 3 hours!" And remember all those "road blocks" I wrote about vaguely in our process? So far, they seemed to have melted away.

This may be my longest post ever. I'm frustrated my writing is not flowing well lately, but I wanted to get these thoughts down anyway. So, here's my conclusion: I have heard similar analogies before about children's actions and adult actions, but experiencing it through my child hit home more personally. I really hope the next time I feel like I'm scooped up from where I think I should go, I can rest in God's arms and surrender myself and trust to Him...instead of throwing a ridiculous fit. He really does love me. He really does know me. There are times He even has bigger dreams and plans for me and our family than I may even have myself. We have so many examples to prove how He has shown us that...and our house is a wonderful gift from Him.

taste of heaven

My current header picture is one of my very favorite pictures of the 2 special boys in my life. Yes, it's a bit dated already, Stevie was a mere 3 months old then. I made that photo into a canvas for Matt for Christmas. Um, let me rephrase that. I had that photo made into a canvas for Matt for Christmas with an added a verse to it:


(feel free to click on it to see it larger)

Yes, Stephen was so skinny at that point. It makes me a bit sick to think about that time period, just after my surgery feeling awful and little man struggling, but all is well now, and his cheeks are good and chubby. Anyway, I'd like to share a little about that photo and some of the reasons I love it so much. First of all, Stephen is cute and Matt is handsome. Check. Mostly, I just love the look on both of their faces. Stevie is just studying his daddy. Matt is just loving on his little boy. Stevie is completely content. We were both having difficulties at that time. He was a hungry boy and he would wear himself out so when food was offered, he would fall asleep....which became a vicious cycle. Despite that, what I'll call a stressor, despite that stressor in his life, he is absolutely completely content looking into his father's face. I love his little hand gently touching Matt's face. We melted every time he started to do that with us. Well, we still do, but now a hearty grab usually follows. So Stevie is completely content, basking in the attention of daddy. He doesn't need his pacifier or that burp cloth (which was used for spit up but also a snuggle buddy). Those are tossed aside while resting and spending time with his dad in that moment. And look at his daddy's big hand next to him. Stephen is so secure. There are so many things we're already learning as Stephen's parents. Many of those things direct us to the love of our Father. The verse that came to my mind when I see this picture is that one from 1 John, which is shown above. "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" Wow. The look in Matt's eyes, is just a glimmer of how lovingly our heavenly Father looks at us. How I want to be like my son, despite the stressors in my life, to be absolutely content in the presence of my Father, to toss aside the worldly pacifiers, and gaze into Him, study Him, and learn from Him. It truly is a gift and an honor to be called children of God.