Thursday, February 28, 2008

He makes me smile...

No need to post comments. This is purely for my own enjoyment...a fun post and hopefully fun/ny for you too! I'm also trying to see if this posting of pictures thing works right. I'm thinking ahead to Matt's birthday in a couple months...

I hang onto a lot of pictures of Matt since he's not here...even little Matt pictures. He's just too cute. Yes, I find myself watching the slideshow we made for our wedding over and over...and over again. Sometimes, there might be a little too much spare time on my hands. I thought I'd share a couple of my favorites. So, here is a picture of Matt when he was little, in kindergarten we believe. Yes, there are cracks in almost all of his younger photos because they are just so old! Just kidding Matt!

This next one goes back even farther. He is the littlest one on the right. This photo just makes me laugh!! I call it the "Gunther" face...(if you've ever seen Dennis the Menace...the newer movie made in the 90''ll know what I mean!) I'll take a few of that little face!!

I guess it worked! Yay! Now, I can post more pictures.

Monday, February 25, 2008

"pools of blessings collect after the rains" Psalm 84:5-7

Hmm, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about in this blog. I have lots of thoughts running through my head....both silly and serious. I guess I'll start talking about yesterday for a bit and move into's gonna be a long one.

I went to church, and Dad was talking about Noah's descendents and blessings and curses...and to be honest, I don't remember much. So, I'm going to have to read those emails he sends out. He touched on our times of blessing could be when we least expect it, or when we're experiencing trials. We had communion. I had some good me and God time through prayer...knowing I need some change, change of attitude, heart, and action...but this was also just sort of a beginning. I am starting to "feel" a little bit more, which was one area I was praying about. Feelings can get you into trouble, but I can be somewhat rebellious by pushing those feelings away. I can't really describe it. Poor Megan, checked up on me after church, and I was ridiculously ambiguous and confusing. I'm sorry that I still am going to be confusing. Basically, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, I can put myself on cruise control or become a robot. I don't really "feel" much lately. I am in more of a "just do it" mentality. I am going through these days lately, mostly exhausted on every level. I am eating, sleeping, working, doing chores, but without much life. Then Dad spoke about hard times or what seems like what might be a hard time coming your way as really a time of blessing. I was thinking, "I don't see this as much of a blessing right now."

I don't feel like our time apart is because we're being punished by God or anything like that. The only way I can explain my real thoughts and feelings (though they have not been expressed appropriately) is heartache or broken heartedness. I feel so lonely, it's hard to even describe. I know God hasn't left me, but for some reason, I'm not always running to Him like I should. Instead I just "cope." It's like I just get through each day because I have to and there's no other choice. Then there are times I let out some of those heartache tears because I've reached my limit and eventually, the tears tire me out, and I tell myself to "suck it up cupcake" because my tears aren't going to change the situation. I do believe some of the things that have occurred lately and yesterday...were in part meant to break me and pull me closer to the One who loves me more than I can imagine. As I took communion, I asked the Lord to help me feel again, really feel, so I can be straight with where I am and work this out between Him and I because I have been avoiding Him. For some reason, I felt like it would be harder to let go...probably because at least I could control something. Yes, I think some of this is a control issue. I think God has a sense of humor by giving me so many things out of my control to remind me, "Earth to Becky, I, I, am in control!" These days can be blessed days if I'm truly living for Him. The reason they aren't are just because of that, I'm not letting go of me and living for Him. I started to get a tear in my eye while I prayed during communion, and I tried to suck it back in, not let it drop. Then I remembered what I prayed for. I won't "feel" if I stuff it. So, I let some tears fall...I felt like God was wanting me to let them go quietly, let out some of those tears, so He has more room to work. I just couldn't totally get that. I only knew God wanted me to be real, even if that was all.

At the beginning of this journey of Matt and I being "separated", I was gung-ho, as much as I think I could be, as far as trusting God. I knew He had a plan for all this. I was excited to see the blessings through all this...even though it was going to be hard. And, this was real. I have these red, white, and blue construction paper chain links strung "decoratively" (haha) in our apartment. At the beginning, I would tear a link off each week and write the blessings of that week right on the link. I saved them. Weeks/Months went by and it was getting more difficult...I found myself in a rut. I was late at tearing them, couldn't remember which week was which, and sometimes I felt like all I could write was, "Matt loves me." I felt like that, true as it is, was pretty generic and a copout. So, I stopped writing them. One thing after another, I spiraled down, and clenched my fists even harder. I didn't even realize it. This was just my way of "getting by."

Friday, I spent the day with my Mom and we watched "Joe Somebody." If you've ever seen the movie, Tim Allen, gets beat up in the parking lot at work in front of his 12 year old daughter. He stops going into work and wallows in his pity. Then, he wants to take action somehow. So, he starts cleaning his house like mad, bleaching everything. It's quite comical, but I was totally hit with a mirror! No, I didn't start drowning myself in beer bottles, but there were times I was cleaning my apartment like a mad woman. I was cleaning everything, and I was disgusted by everything no matter how clean I got it. I was wiping down the walls in every room with Lysol wipes. I'm laughing about this now, and thinking, I can't believe I'm writing this stuff. It's true. Now, let me say, it is not a bad thing to clean your apartment/house. It isn't even a bad thing to wipe down walls occassionally, they build up dust and get scratches, etc, but I was going over the top. I rearranged our bedroom and office room. I was pushing dressers and our bed and heaving mattresses around like one of the American Gladiators would...ok, maybe not quite like them. Rearranging is fun for me and an ok thing to do too. However, I realize now even these little things were attempts of me trying to hang-on to control...someway somehow and to distract me. That might not make sense to you, but it really does for me.

So, I had a good start at church yesterday, but knew I needed to deal with this more. I just wasn't entirely sure how because I didn't fully understand. I was really cranky after church, really cranky. Then I took a nap and was more refreshed physically and mentally. I went home from my parents' late that evening. I checked the bathroom noise, and the water was still running. Then I went to put some laundry away in our room. I went to hang up an article of clothing in my closet...I don't even remember what, and I noticed my sock was just about soaked. Huh, maybe it's because my shoes had some snow on them and I stepped in the puddle it made. Then I hung something else up and my other sock got wet. OHHH NOO! No! You have got to be kidding me!! I bent down and touched the carpet with my hand, yes, it was wet. I wondered if I was imagining it. Maybe it's just cold. I bent my knee down to reach around the closet floor. The knee of my jeans soaked through. I started breathing really heavy. I was so mad. I called my parents. They told me to call my landlord. Obviously, we had a leak all along! He had me check certain areas of the other side of the house's basement (I found excess water) and he told me to take everything out of the closet and that side of the room, he'd come first thing in the morning. I called my parents again, totally aggravated that nothing would happen till tomorrow, and burst into tears. I got off the phone and started picking things out of my closet. I let out huge grunts, yells, admist me talking to no one and crying through it all. It was probably the most pathetic thing you've ever seen...haha. I am laughing about it now. I'm surprised my upstairs neighbors didn't come down thinking I was being attacked. Each thing I picked up that was wet made me more angry and exhausted...hence the crying. Imagine if I didn't have that short nap earlier!! It was 11:00 by the time I was done grunting, yelling, and hauling wet sleeping bags, blankets, stuffed animals, a trombone, my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, a night stand, and other stuff out of our closet and that half of the bedroom. I got into bed and just said, God, I can't do this anymore. I am utterly exhausted. I am tired of trying and trying to "do" everything by myself and I'm tired of feeling alone. He reminded me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened [or heavy laden] and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 Then, I also heard, "Cast all your anxiety [or cares] on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 These promises weren't particularly new to me, but oh how forgetful we can be, I can be anyway.

God loves me. God cares for me. God is right here with me. One of the phrases Matt and I like to hear from each other is, "I'm right here. I'm with you." Sometimes, it's a little silly because we know the other person is there...they are right there! However, it's not meant in the physical sense necessarily, but the Spiritual, we are bound together and we choose that, and we love each other. It was as if God was telling me, "I'm right here. I'm with you." And so, I fell asleep next to the bridesmaid dresses and ball dress next to me on the bed, comforted, that I am not alone, I am not meant to live and carry out these things alone. He really is right here with me. Now, it's my turn to act like it and live like it again, or even more than before. This morning I was listening to Barlow Girl, a favorite, their "Surrender" song...

"My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your call
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?"

So, here I am, letting go of the control and trying to live like I am blessed because I know I am. I know this will be a continuous process since these things sometimes "creep up on me," but I'm not walking alone. I am also reminded of Matthew 6:25-34. He really does care for me. Wow, I really am blessed..."thank You for saving me...for we know Your truth has set us free...You've set you're hope in me...Great is the Lord" (Delirious).

*I love you, Matt. Thanks for your call this morning. I am so blessed!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Toilet Update

As I sit here listening to the sound of water running...I'm really starting to think there is a problem. So, I thought I'd update my 1 or 2 readers about how my toilet's doing since that "should've been a plummer" post (plus, I'm procrastinating getting out of bed this morning...ahh, laptops).

As far as the toilet goes, it is still persnickety about flushing. Sometimes it will, other times it just won't. We still have a water issue. I tried my plumming skills. I took out the plunger (knowing it wasn't that kind of issue). That didn't help. I tried making sure the chain was attached to the...something. That part was doing it's job so the little lid would open and close. Aren't you impressed? My wonderful brother gave me good advice and training for that! (We've come a long way from, just act like you know what you're doing). The fact is, we don't have water running in the tank. We have water running elsewhere....behind the shower/tub wall. I hear it constantly. Either my neighbors are taking a 3 day shower or we have a problem with the pipes. Maybe that is where all my toilet water and shower water is going!

So, I called my landlord about it on Thursday, and he came over. He thinks I need something replaced in the toilet. He told me, if I have to flush....let me repeat that, if I HAVE to flush before he replaces it then use the old bucket of water dump method (no, not as a bed pan, but to pour water down the toilet!). This was around 4pm, and he wouldn't be coming back till later that evening...he was thinking 8 or 9. I have a pretty good bladder (I actually think I could qualify as a world record holder), but realistically, it's going to HAVE to be flushed. Considering he still has not come yet...(yes, it's Saturday morning) get the idea. He has a lot of things on his mind this week, and I understand that. I'm just having fun with his words of advice, and I'm thankful I have my parents' house right around the corner! I just really don't want our apartment flooded by a leak. I mean, there is a ton of water running somewhere! (I made sure to put some valuables up off the floor last night...just in case!) Then again, I joke with my Mom, because we have renters insurance...definitely better than what we own!

It's good for me to laugh! "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

*125 days are over Matt! I love you!!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

looking "forward" to little faces in the rearview mirror

This week we started another part of our journey. I started my rounds of blood tests to see where I am (no, I'm not delirious, I know where I am right now....I know what you were thinking). It is not a secret that Matt and I desire children. Hence, the Outback, Matt's little Army, my favorite childhood toy being dolls. I have been asked many times what my dream job would be, and I blurt out, "Stay at home Mom." Most people are expecting to hear details about the grade, subject, and location of what and where I'd like to teach, so this catches them a little off-guard. I do enjoy teaching. But, my heart yearns to raise children. It didn't take me long into marriage to start talking about expanding our family (hmm, January or February after getting married in December? :) ) Have you ever been so in love with someone you just can't wait to have children just like them? Matt is going to be such a wonderful father. Ohhh, little Matthews. (I don't know if I'm ready for little Beckys yet...reflect back on my response to the Stranger Danger talk with my Mom).

Anyway, it would be an understatement to say I was "disappointed" as time went on without having joyous news to share. That is an up and down road in and of itself. It hasn't been a super long time to require testing, but there are certain things that are a little off. So, we're ruling things out and trying to make changes. This time apart from Matt hasn't been so much fun (since we need to wait even longer)...well, yeah... but I am still hopeful for the future, the near future :) So, the other day while out shopping, I picked up a cute "little one" outfit. Hey, I haven't done that in a long time, and it was a super deal! Maybe I'll share more in another post. I have more in here...but it's not quite ready yet.

*I love you, Matt. We're in the 7 month range!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Yes, one of these

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:00...then 9:00 (lazy!)

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the theater? National Treasure 2 (phew, I didn't think there was one since Mr. Bean's Holiday...haha, I shared anyway)

4. What is your Favorite TV show? Jen listed 3, so I can too: LOST, American Gladiators, Dr. Phil (at least these are the ones that are recently being aired)

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? toast, cereal, or bagel

6. Favorite cuisine? Italian (I like some Mexican too....but I got sick on it after our 1st anniversary dinner)

7. What's your middle name? Helen

8. Food do you dislike? FISH!

9. What is your Favorite CD at the moment? I don't know. I'm listening to a lot of Jeremy Camp. I think Matt has every cd he ever thought about recording. It used to always be playing here and in the car. I like Jeremy Camp, but it drove me it's my attachment to Matt right now.

10. What kind of car do you drive? Silver 1998 Subaru Outback....can we say, I want kids?

11. Favorite Sandwich? Peanut Butter

12. What characteristics do you despise? that a word? Being inconsiderate.

13. Favorite item of clothing? My "honeymooon" they aren't what you're thinking. They are blue sweatpants from Target we bought on our honeymoon.

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would
you go? Right now, the be with Matt. When he comes home, probably home and maybe just a short getaway (we've done a lot of traveling for awhile...but we'll see).

15. Favorite brand of clothing? Umm, does Salvation Army count? Ok, then anything cheap or on sale.

16. Where would you retire to? I don't know.

17. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My most recent birthday was this last was sort of boring without Matt. I did get red roses though! I guess that's memorable, but I don't think that's what the question is looking for.

18. Favorite sport to watch? Any kind of sport with a running event (the other day I watched some of the ironman), but I'd have to say gymnastics may even top the list...ever since I was a little tyke.

19. Furthest place you are sending this? Possibly, the Philippines

20. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Matt, he's a busy guy.

21. Person you expect to send it back first? Katrina (yeah, this was an email first)

22. Favorite saying? I'm trying to think of what I say a lot. Guess what? What in the world? For real? (Hannah, my niece even says it funny!) Oh, I looked down below to question 24, and I think Matt's favorite, maybe least favorite though, saying is, "Matthew, I can't sleep!" His response, "5:00 comes early!"

23. When is your birthday? 11/18/1983

24. Are you a morning person or a night person? Lately, neither..haha. When Matt is here, I'm definitely a night person. I get really hyper at night (bed time) and he totally crashes. I'm practically jumping on the bed, and then I tell him I can't sleep. It's a big joke, because honestly, I don't even try, but I'll repeat it over and over again. It makes him laugh...a lot. And, it keeps him awake a little while longer. Then he gets serious, a little frustrated with me, and tells me, "5:00 comes early!" He rolls over and I'm stuck awake alone! Then there are noises that keep me's an interesting time living in a basement apartment with the other tenants bedroom above yours. I leave it with that.

25. What is your shoe size? anything from a 7-8.5...really depends on the shoe. Ridiculous.

26. Pets? Well, we don't have any "pets" in our apartment. We have unwanted creepy crawlers, mainly spiders, which I can deal ok with, but the millipedes have to go!! (Yeah, I'm ready to move!) Matt has a pet, Yoda, he's a chinchilla. He stays at his mom and dad's house because as I remind him, "We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment" (we really aren't, but I don't care for him...haha). I told Matt we can let him live with us when we have a house. He's had him since 8th it Matt? And they live for like 20 years I think. He'll have to correct me. So basically, we still have a lot of years left with him. I'm convinced my husband just likes weird things...animals, cars, whatever...for other people's reactions. I can't leave out Caleb though, my favorite dog. He's getting old. He's at my parents' too. I want him to come and visit, but our rules swing both ways apparently, no Yoda, no Caleb.

27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? Nope.

28. What did you want to be when you were little? A teacher, a writer, a bus driver (ha!...all because of that cool crank door opener. My parents won't let me live it down. That would've been such a disaster!) Most of all, a mommy of a ton of kids.

29. How are you today? Good, but in need of a shower!

30. What is your favorite type of candy? I agree with Jen with the sour gummi stuff. My favorite candy bar, which is not a bar, are Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Well, the Reeses Sticks are also amazing...those are 2 bars! I splurged on a Reeses Whipped or Whips whatever they are yesterday....don't buy it! What a waste! I was completely disappointed with Reeses. Yet, I still ate like all of it, trying to convince myself it would get better with each bite. I finally threw one pathetic little stump of a chunk out my car window. (Yes, if I buy candy, I have to open it before I get home). I know, more than the question asked and more than you wanted to know.

31. Favorite flower? Daisies

32. What are you listening to right now? The sound of my air purifier running

33. What was the last thing you ate? wheat thins

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? blue..Matt and I would have to be the same crayon...or we'd have to joust it out.

35. How is the weather right now? a little chilly in our bedroom. I haven't been outside yet. It's probably bitter cold, and then I love the experience of ice skating to my car...ok, I really don't love it, I'm scared I'm going to break a bone!

36. Last person you spoke to on the phone? John Gray..haha, no it's not that funny, but it really is. We don't generally talk on the phone to catch up on each others' lives. He was calling my parents', I was there, they weren't, took a get the idea. Anyway, he's a great kid...not trying to make fun. Ok, just since I wrote this, Suzan called and my Mom.

37. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes. Why do they even post this question? We're supposed to send it back. Good thing I like her!

38. Favorite restaurant? Taco Bell and Jack in the Box. Ok, I know these aren't restaurants, but we don't go to many "restaurants". Taco Bell is obvious (isn't it?), and Jack in the Box has the most amazing cookies and cream milkshake. I couldn't tell you how many times we went to both of those places in San Diego. Literally, it must have been like 10 times each in 3 weeks...maybe more? haha

39. Hair color? Brownish Blackish

40. Siblings? 3 brothers...there just was no possibility for a sister, i really asked and asked. When I was in 6th grade, my dad asked me what we should do for my mom's birthday or Mother's Day (they are right near each other), I said we should adopt another kid...obviously, meaning a girl! I was completely serious.

42. Favorite day of the year? This year, it will be October 19!!!

43. What was your Favorite toy as a child? Dolls, hands down! I was a little Momma. I also played with Polly Pockets and Littlest Petshop...still have them! Oh, I liked my dollhouse too. I also had these little horses (not My Little Pony...but I had those too) that I played with a lot. Hannah and Abby play with those now.

44. Summer or winter? Summer, but I do like snow, in moderation. I'm just ready to not be freezing.

45. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

46. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes.

47. When was the last time you cried? Ha! Yesterday.

48. What is under your bed? (Did you ever think there was a baker under your bed? No. Did you ever check to see if there was a baker under your bed? No. Well, how did you know you didn't have a baker under your bed unless you checked? Ok, I really like Rocketman!) A plastic bin of Matt's old pictures, a display box of Matt's (I think it was from his Grandpa) and a couple shoe boxes of stuff we just don't know what to do with!

49. Who is the friend you have had the longest? I met Jane when I was 3. My cousins I knew from birth, and they're friends! Laura has been my best friend since 4th grade.

50. What did you do last night? Went to Sandy's, talked, laughed, and cried (refer to question 47).

51. Favorite smell? Chocolate chip cookies in the oven. I also like a lot of like "candle" smells...too many to list. I'll spare you all on one question anyway.

52. What are you afraid of? Millipedes! They are so hard to kill.

53. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn? I guess buttered, but I'd rather have something else.

54. How many keys on your key ring? 2, car and apartment

55. How many years at your current job? Well, I've subbed 2 half days...haha.

56. Favorite day of the week? Friday

57. How many towns have you lived in? 4, and 6 different houses/apartments

58. Do you make friends easily? It all depends. Oh, that reminds me. When I was little I wasn't always what you would call a precious little girl. I had a mind of my own. My mom tried to give me the stranger danger talk. When she finished, I said, "Well, I might just like it better with them." Not what you want to hear as a mom ....for multiple reasons!

59. What are you wearing right now? Pajamas...including those blue sweatpants.

60. What color is your bathroom? I guess it's sort of off white. We have blue towels, a turtle soap dish, and ducks, frogs, and turtles shower curtain rings. We're such kids.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Growing Pains on the Homefront!

So, I am slowly figuring out that I should've pursued a different occupation...with good training. I received a good education, but I never learned what is truly necessary. I should've been a plummer!!

Oh yes, another joy of dealing with things on my own. My toilet worked fine this morning. I took a shower and what should've been a hot shower that lasts 3 minutes and every 30 seconds I have to progressively turn it hotter and hotter to maintain that nice hot (ok, warm warm) shower. Today, it was all hot! I'm talking boiling potatoes HOT! I had the cold cranked up and could not shake the boiling temperature. Well, finally it was ok, then it turned freezing. So, I was in the shower for 10 minutes without getting clean...because it was too hot or too cold. Grrr. I was finally able to just push through a little bit of a too hot shower rather than a freezing cold one. This didn't feel so good on my cuts from yesterday...umm, I tried shaving with a bent razor (Ok, I dropped it and instead of it breaking like usual, it totally bent, but it was brand new, and I didn't want to waste it)...yeah, not a good idea, especially considering it being brand new!! The water pressure was also not as good as usual. I've seen a gradual decline in this over the past couple months but never wanted to deal with it. Hey, I already used drano because I had some clogged drains. I did a little more getting ready and needed to use the toilet. I did my business. Went to flush it. Clank! I pressed that magic button that makes the water swirl and disappear, but nothing happened! I wasn't feeling the greatest this morning, and this just tipped me over, tipped me over, tipped me over...something. I suppose I can walk around the house with the typical plummer pants style (aka, showing off my plummer's crack), but that's about as far as my abilities go!

We have oven issues, kind of like the shower, it's too hot or too cold, our dishwasher doesn't work, and we don't have much heat because our costs are so outrageous. Yes, I'll be on the phone about that bill too today. I also have a broken mailbox. Well, the door is hanging by a thread, and everytime we get mail, it dangles. Lately, the ice has actually been helping seal it shut! haha

Did I mention we're thinking of renting out our place for a vacation getaway?

I'm also having a few tax issues...umm, involving no access to Matt's military W-2's. Just another headache. It looks like I'm going to have to request an extension until he has access to a computer for real! Do I really know what I'm doing, NOPE! I take my brother's wonderful advice for me when I hated learning to drive: "Just act like you know what you're doing!" (Yes, there are reasons I'm in the passenger seat!) Anyone with experience here, please HELP!!

I never knew that I would be growing this year in quite this way. At least I can laugh about it...ok, sometimes, I can laugh about it...ok, maybe in 20 years, I will look back on this time and laugh about it. All prayers are appreciated!

*I love you Matt! I'm holding down the fort...sort of! 8 months from today!

Friday, February 15, 2008

a little brag time about Man

Warning: This content may be boring for some or too lovey dovey (is there even a spelling for that "word"?) for others. Continue if you'd like.

Today is going to be a really good day. They always are when I receive a phone call from Matt. Yes, he called this morning! What a surprise!! It was the first time I heard his voice in 2 weeks. What a manly voice he has too! Of course, my favorite phrase to hear from him is, I love you! I sure love my man. In fact, when we were courting, the first nickname I gave Matt is Man. No, it's not like a slang word (like, what's up man?) but a term of endearment. I've heard it's a good thing for a woman to build up her here it goes:

He is the good definition of Man for me. He likes to roll up his sleeves and work hard. It was so fun for me to watch him while we were courting. He worked for Mr. St. James and spent quite a bit time chopping wood in our backyard. I got to smile a lot...and blush. I would try to think of things I needed to tell him, just so I could go outside...without being too obvious. He also likes to work on cars. That's a good form of entertainment for me as well! His skills are also really valuable. He is so handsome, and I believe him to be the most handsome Man in the world. Just take a look at the picture down below if you don't belive me. I should post some more. He has the biggest servant's heart. He wants to help people anyway he is able, and he is a wonderful friend. He likes to cook and clean too! He pampers me more than he knows! He loves kids! We can't wait to have children (he'd like to have 10, his little army, as he says [Notice, he didn't say, his little Marine Corps.] So, we'll see). He waited to kiss me until we were pronounced husband and wife. Most importantly, he loves the Lord and desires to keep His commands, be in line with His will, and share the Gospel with others. I really could go on and on. He sure is a Keeper (he likes me to call him My Keeper too, after a dream he had).

Keep in mind though, ladies, HE'S TAKEN!!! Ok, ok. Many of my married friends think the same things of their husbands. That's ok. That's why we married who we did. Mine still wins though, no contest!

Even though these are some difficult times, I am so blessed. My husband is a gift. Matthew means, Gift from God. He really is.

*Thank you, Matt. I love you!!

Bump in the Road

Ok, so I didn't write this, I wasn't going to write this...but here's to honesty. I can't always be worried about offending. My whole day wasn't wonderful. I cried the whole way home from dinner because I found out Matt's brother is getting married in May. No, I'm not a scrooge about weddings, I actually love going to weddings. However, Matt will miss it. He will have missed both brothers' weddings because of the military, and it's so disappointing. It's true, weddings are not the most important or lasting part of marriage, it's only 1 day, but it is the holy time of vows, the committment before God and friends and family, and the beginning of a lifetime of love through the good and bad. I know Matt wants to be much. His brother was Matt's best man. It breaks my heart knowing how much he wishes he could be there and that he can't...unless some miracle happens. And yes, my "humanness" and "fight for my Man" part of me is angry at the timing. Hence, why I cried the whole way home. This is one of those times it stinks not being in the driver seat. And so I am reminded, "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8). I think I need to roll down my tinted window so I can let some more light in. So there again! I'm stretching myself by telling more of the real stuff.

*I love you, Matt!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

February 14, year will be way better

Today is Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day isn't a huge holiday for me. Let's face it, it's only been the past 2 years that I've had my Special Someone. I'm not opposed to the holiday, it's just not my super favorite. I think it can be a good reminder when life gets so busy to make sure you let your loved one/s know you love them and care. It's also kind of fun. Plus, I like any day that emphasizes chocolate. So, I guess my idea of the day makes it a little easier for me, considering our circumstances.

I did receive my favorite Valentine's Day gift today email from Matt! It had been a week. I was so happy to see it! He's not having the best put it lightly, he's literally working like 20 hour days. I wish I could do something. I wish I could be more. I wish I could give him a good gift. I wish I could massage his neck and shoulders and give him the rest he needs. I'm sure he's exhausted. I have dreams, almost every night, that he surprises me. He comes home for a short leave. Last night, I dreamt I went to see him. Dreams are so weird. You know, everything is so real. I can feel his hugs in my dreams. I really miss those. I can't recreate them in my mind, except for me looking on him hugging "me." So anyway, my prayers are for good rest for Matt for Valentine's Day, and also for a better working environment as a whole.

So what did I do today? I subbed in a 2nd grade classroom and spent the day with super sugar-high 7 year olds. I told them my favorite kind of Valentine Candy is Hershey Kisses, and I received some by the end of the day :) It was fun, but I was ready to go home and relax by the end. I also went out to dinner with Matt's parents at Uno's. It was a special time, and we laughed a lot. I had the buffalo chicken quesadilla. I know, it's supposed to be an appetizer, but it was soo good! So there, I stretched myself by trying something new. I didn't order my same old personal pizza or the potato skin pizza (a delicious choice). It's all about those baby steps...for me and Bill Murray!!

*I love you, Bubba!! Happy Valentine's Day! We're almost down in the 7 month range. Wow, that is huge! 7 months is a lot better than 12!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

1st one

Ok, so where do I even begin? I have so many thoughts. Whoever reads these, if anybody even does, don't look for good organization, or even coherent sentences, in these posts. I'm just gonna spill it.

I guess I'll start with what, "C'mon Becky...," refers to. Chris Rice wrote this song, "Me and Becky", and Matt really likes it. He wanted that to be our first dance song....but it has a bit of a fast tempo for a slow dance. (Don't worry, he found a good replacement..."Everything's Ok" also by Chris Rice. I guess he's a fan, but I like those songs). I'll share more about our first dance another time. Anyway, that song, "Me and Becky" is sort of our theme song for the year. (You'll have to look up the verses if you're not familiar with it. I'm not technilogically advanced enough to know how to insert a weblink without it being 13 lines long yet. You'll have to be patient with me!) It talks about a girl, Becky, haha, who is living a good, Christian life, and is called to more...So, this year we're holding on tight because God is stretching us, alot.

It was not our ideal situation for Matt to be recalled into the military. We got married (December 16, 2006, ahhh, a good day) and were so excited to travel the road ahead of us...together! (Even our cake topper was the Precious Moments in a car..."Roads of Happiness." Matt loves cars!!) We were bound together in covenant and love, 3 strands of cord. We did everything together. Everything! We were together every second we could be. Then bam! We were hit with his "notice" 3 months into marriage. We got more details a month later, and he relocated 6 months after that. We were thankful for the several months we were given before he left, but boy, those were some agonizing months...dread of what lay ahead and some fears of the unknown.

I am trying to be the most supportive and loving wife I can be. (hmmm, maybe a motto for the wives of military...he's not Army, but you get the idea.) But, I'm not gonna lie, this is tough...super tough! We believe God has a plan through all this, but it is sometimes hard to see. Maybe this is one of those patchwork theories at work. We won't really know why these things happen till we can see all the pieces, or times completed, all put together...or maybe it won't be till we get to heaven.

So, lately, I feel like I need more of the other 2 strands of our cord. It's really hard not being able to be near Matt, hear his voice, even receive emails regularly. It stinks! To be completely honest, it's hard on me spiritually too. I know God hasn't left me. I know that in my mind anyway. I know that to be true from Scripture. Sometimes, I think I just try to block my emotions, so I don't have to deal with them, and that eventually leaves me disconnected. I guess sometimes I trust more in my ability to block feelings than in placing my trust in God who can heal my hurts and restore my emotions. Wow, that's not right, and it's convicting. There are certainly times I cry...just to get some out (sadness and even anger), but I don't always deal with it completely. But, then there are times I remember that song, "Me and Becky" and picture Matt singing it to me anytime we were going to go somewhere. I like to hear "Everything's Ok" quite a bit too. Everything will be ok, God is in control.

Last week, I was having a difficult time, feeling especially lonely. I was reading some other people's blogs and then, I clicked on some of their friends' blogs. I'll admit it: I'm nosey. I'm curious. There is something very interesting and intriguing about being able to read other people's thoughts, real-life stuff. This one particular person (if you somehow hear about this, please don't think I'm a stalker! Your post touched me dearly, at a moment in time I needed it so much. I thought about trying to send you a note about how much I was affected, but I chickened out...again, fearful of being viewed as a stalker..maybe sometime I'll get some guts and tell you) had downloaded a quick video of Rob Bell, entitled "Rain." At first, I thought it was sort of weird (it started with weird music and flashes of different pictures). I really didn't know what to expect. I'd never heard of him before. By the end, I was sobbing. The Lord came to me in such an intimate way as I watched and listened. He met me in my lonely, discouraged place and held me. What an amazing God we have who cares enough to reach us through a computer, that had a video, on a blog, of a friend of a friend. I need to watch that clip again.

So, this is a year of learning to trust in the Lord more than I ever have. I'm moving (more often feeling shoved...haha) out of my comfort zone. Yeah, I suppose I'm moving out of the driver's seat in a lot of ways. (That is very ironic since I don't like driving much...that's another story.) "C'mon on Becky let's go for a ride. If I'm driving too fast, then I apologize, but there's a world out there that we've left behind full of souls as important as yours and mine. Looks like a reckless road and a sacrifice, and I'm crazy scared it may cost our lives. But then I remember Jesus died, so c'mon Becky. Let's go for a ride..." (Chris Rice).

*I love you Man! 115 days done, 8 months and 5 days left. Maybe I should look at it like a growing chart!! I guess I need to drink my milk...yuck!!