Hmm, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about in this blog. I have lots of thoughts running through my head....both silly and serious. I guess I'll start talking about yesterday for a bit and move into today...it's gonna be a long one.
I went to church, and Dad was talking about Noah's descendents and blessings and curses...and to be honest, I don't remember much. So, I'm going to have to read those emails he sends out. He touched on our times of blessing could be when we least expect it, or when we're experiencing trials. We had communion. I had some good me and God time through prayer...knowing I need some change, change of attitude, heart, and action...but this was also just sort of a beginning. I am starting to "feel" a little bit more, which was one area I was praying about. Feelings can get you into trouble, but I can be somewhat rebellious by pushing those feelings away. I can't really describe it. Poor Megan, checked up on me after church, and I was ridiculously ambiguous and confusing. I'm sorry that I still am going to be confusing. Basically, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, I can put myself on cruise control or become a robot. I don't really "feel" much lately. I am in more of a "just do it" mentality. I am going through these days lately, mostly exhausted on every level. I am eating, sleeping, working, doing chores, but without much life. Then Dad spoke about hard times or what seems like what might be a hard time coming your way as really a time of blessing. I was thinking, "I don't see this as much of a blessing right now."
I don't feel like our time apart is because we're being punished by God or anything like that. The only way I can explain my real thoughts and feelings (though they have not been expressed appropriately) is heartache or broken heartedness. I feel so lonely, it's hard to even describe. I know God hasn't left me, but for some reason, I'm not always running to Him like I should. Instead I just "cope." It's like I just get through each day because I have to and there's no other choice. Then there are times I let out some of those heartache tears because I've reached my limit and eventually, the tears tire me out, and I tell myself to "suck it up cupcake" because my tears aren't going to change the situation. I do believe some of the things that have occurred lately and yesterday...were in part meant to break me and pull me closer to the One who loves me more than I can imagine. As I took communion, I asked the Lord to help me feel again, really feel, so I can be straight with where I am and work this out between Him and I because I have been avoiding Him. For some reason, I felt like it would be harder to let go...probably because at least I could control something. Yes, I think some of this is a control issue. I think God has a sense of humor by giving me so many things out of my control to remind me, "Earth to Becky, I, I, am in control!" These days can be blessed days if I'm truly living for Him. The reason they aren't are just because of that, I'm not letting go of me and living for Him. I started to get a tear in my eye while I prayed during communion, and I tried to suck it back in, not let it drop. Then I remembered what I prayed for. I won't "feel" if I stuff it. So, I let some tears fall...I felt like God was wanting me to let them go quietly, let out some of those tears, so He has more room to work. I just couldn't totally get that. I only knew God wanted me to be real, even if that was all.
At the beginning of this journey of Matt and I being "separated", I was gung-ho, as much as I think I could be, as far as trusting God. I knew He had a plan for all this. I was excited to see the blessings through all this...even though it was going to be hard. And, this was real. I have these red, white, and blue construction paper chain links strung "decoratively" (haha) in our apartment. At the beginning, I would tear a link off each week and write the blessings of that week right on the link. I saved them. Weeks/Months went by and it was getting more difficult...I found myself in a rut. I was late at tearing them, couldn't remember which week was which, and sometimes I felt like all I could write was, "Matt loves me." I felt like that, true as it is, was pretty generic and a copout. So, I stopped writing them. One thing after another, I spiraled down, and clenched my fists even harder. I didn't even realize it. This was just my way of "getting by."
Friday, I spent the day with my Mom and we watched "Joe Somebody." If you've ever seen the movie, Tim Allen, gets beat up in the parking lot at work in front of his 12 year old daughter. He stops going into work and wallows in his pity. Then, he wants to take action somehow. So, he starts cleaning his house like mad, bleaching everything. It's quite comical, but I was totally hit with a mirror! No, I didn't start drowning myself in beer bottles, but there were times I was cleaning my apartment like a mad woman. I was cleaning everything, and I was disgusted by everything no matter how clean I got it. I was wiping down the walls in every room with Lysol wipes. I'm laughing about this now, and thinking, I can't believe I'm writing this stuff. It's true. Now, let me say, it is not a bad thing to clean your apartment/house. It isn't even a bad thing to wipe down walls occassionally, they build up dust and get scratches, etc, but I was going over the top. I rearranged our bedroom and office room. I was pushing dressers and our bed and heaving mattresses around like one of the American Gladiators would...ok, maybe not quite like them. Rearranging is fun for me and an ok thing to do too. However, I realize now even these little things were attempts of me trying to hang-on to control...someway somehow and to distract me. That might not make sense to you, but it really does for me.
So, I had a good start at church yesterday, but knew I needed to deal with this more. I just wasn't entirely sure how because I didn't fully understand. I was really cranky after church, really cranky. Then I took a nap and was more refreshed physically and mentally. I went home from my parents' late that evening. I checked the bathroom noise, and the water was still running. Then I went to put some laundry away in our room. I went to hang up an article of clothing in my closet...I don't even remember what, and I noticed my sock was just about soaked. Huh, maybe it's because my shoes had some snow on them and I stepped in the puddle it made. Then I hung something else up and my other sock got wet. OHHH NOO! No! You have got to be kidding me!! I bent down and touched the carpet with my hand, yes, it was wet. I wondered if I was imagining it. Maybe it's just cold. I bent my knee down to reach around the closet floor. The knee of my jeans soaked through. I started breathing really heavy. I was so mad. I called my parents. They told me to call my landlord. Obviously, we had a leak all along! He had me check certain areas of the other side of the house's basement (I found excess water) and he told me to take everything out of the closet and that side of the room, he'd come first thing in the morning. I called my parents again, totally aggravated that nothing would happen till tomorrow, and burst into tears. I got off the phone and started picking things out of my closet. I let out huge grunts, yells, admist me talking to no one and crying through it all. It was probably the most pathetic thing you've ever seen...haha. I am laughing about it now. I'm surprised my upstairs neighbors didn't come down thinking I was being attacked. Each thing I picked up that was wet made me more angry and exhausted...hence the crying. Imagine if I didn't have that short nap earlier!! It was 11:00 by the time I was done grunting, yelling, and hauling wet sleeping bags, blankets, stuffed animals, a trombone, my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, a night stand, and other stuff out of our closet and that half of the bedroom. I got into bed and just said, God, I can't do this anymore. I am utterly exhausted. I am tired of trying and trying to "do" everything by myself and I'm tired of feeling alone. He reminded me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened [or heavy laden] and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 Then, I also heard, "Cast all your anxiety [or cares] on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 These promises weren't particularly new to me, but oh how forgetful we can be, I can be anyway.
God loves me. God cares for me. God is right here with me. One of the phrases Matt and I like to hear from each other is, "I'm right here. I'm with you." Sometimes, it's a little silly because we know the other person is there...they are right there! However, it's not meant in the physical sense necessarily, but the Spiritual, we are bound together and we choose that, and we love each other. It was as if God was telling me, "I'm right here. I'm with you." And so, I fell asleep next to the bridesmaid dresses and ball dress next to me on the bed, comforted, that I am not alone, I am not meant to live and carry out these things alone. He really is right here with me. Now, it's my turn to act like it and live like it again, or even more than before. This morning I was listening to Barlow Girl, a favorite, their "Surrender" song...
"My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your call
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?"
So, here I am, letting go of the control and trying to live like I am blessed because I know I am. I know this will be a continuous process since these things sometimes "creep up on me," but I'm not walking alone. I am also reminded of Matthew 6:25-34. He really does care for me. Wow, I really am blessed..."thank You for saving me...for we know Your truth has set us free...You've set you're hope in me...Great is the Lord" (Delirious).
*I love you, Matt. Thanks for your call this morning. I am so blessed!