Wednesday, February 13, 2008

1st one

Ok, so where do I even begin? I have so many thoughts. Whoever reads these, if anybody even does, don't look for good organization, or even coherent sentences, in these posts. I'm just gonna spill it.

I guess I'll start with what, "C'mon Becky...," refers to. Chris Rice wrote this song, "Me and Becky", and Matt really likes it. He wanted that to be our first dance song....but it has a bit of a fast tempo for a slow dance. (Don't worry, he found a good replacement..."Everything's Ok" also by Chris Rice. I guess he's a fan, but I like those songs). I'll share more about our first dance another time. Anyway, that song, "Me and Becky" is sort of our theme song for the year. (You'll have to look up the verses if you're not familiar with it. I'm not technilogically advanced enough to know how to insert a weblink without it being 13 lines long yet. You'll have to be patient with me!) It talks about a girl, Becky, haha, who is living a good, Christian life, and is called to more...So, this year we're holding on tight because God is stretching us, alot.

It was not our ideal situation for Matt to be recalled into the military. We got married (December 16, 2006, ahhh, a good day) and were so excited to travel the road ahead of us...together! (Even our cake topper was the Precious Moments in a car..."Roads of Happiness." Matt loves cars!!) We were bound together in covenant and love, 3 strands of cord. We did everything together. Everything! We were together every second we could be. Then bam! We were hit with his "notice" 3 months into marriage. We got more details a month later, and he relocated 6 months after that. We were thankful for the several months we were given before he left, but boy, those were some agonizing months...dread of what lay ahead and some fears of the unknown.

I am trying to be the most supportive and loving wife I can be. (hmmm, maybe a motto for the wives of military...he's not Army, but you get the idea.) But, I'm not gonna lie, this is tough...super tough! We believe God has a plan through all this, but it is sometimes hard to see. Maybe this is one of those patchwork theories at work. We won't really know why these things happen till we can see all the pieces, or times completed, all put together...or maybe it won't be till we get to heaven.

So, lately, I feel like I need more of the other 2 strands of our cord. It's really hard not being able to be near Matt, hear his voice, even receive emails regularly. It stinks! To be completely honest, it's hard on me spiritually too. I know God hasn't left me. I know that in my mind anyway. I know that to be true from Scripture. Sometimes, I think I just try to block my emotions, so I don't have to deal with them, and that eventually leaves me disconnected. I guess sometimes I trust more in my ability to block feelings than in placing my trust in God who can heal my hurts and restore my emotions. Wow, that's not right, and it's convicting. There are certainly times I cry...just to get some out (sadness and even anger), but I don't always deal with it completely. But, then there are times I remember that song, "Me and Becky" and picture Matt singing it to me anytime we were going to go somewhere. I like to hear "Everything's Ok" quite a bit too. Everything will be ok, God is in control.

Last week, I was having a difficult time, feeling especially lonely. I was reading some other people's blogs and then, I clicked on some of their friends' blogs. I'll admit it: I'm nosey. I'm curious. There is something very interesting and intriguing about being able to read other people's thoughts, real-life stuff. This one particular person (if you somehow hear about this, please don't think I'm a stalker! Your post touched me dearly, at a moment in time I needed it so much. I thought about trying to send you a note about how much I was affected, but I chickened out...again, fearful of being viewed as a stalker..maybe sometime I'll get some guts and tell you) had downloaded a quick video of Rob Bell, entitled "Rain." At first, I thought it was sort of weird (it started with weird music and flashes of different pictures). I really didn't know what to expect. I'd never heard of him before. By the end, I was sobbing. The Lord came to me in such an intimate way as I watched and listened. He met me in my lonely, discouraged place and held me. What an amazing God we have who cares enough to reach us through a computer, that had a video, on a blog, of a friend of a friend. I need to watch that clip again.

So, this is a year of learning to trust in the Lord more than I ever have. I'm moving (more often feeling shoved...haha) out of my comfort zone. Yeah, I suppose I'm moving out of the driver's seat in a lot of ways. (That is very ironic since I don't like driving much...that's another story.) "C'mon on Becky let's go for a ride. If I'm driving too fast, then I apologize, but there's a world out there that we've left behind full of souls as important as yours and mine. Looks like a reckless road and a sacrifice, and I'm crazy scared it may cost our lives. But then I remember Jesus died, so c'mon Becky. Let's go for a ride..." (Chris Rice).

*I love you Man! 115 days done, 8 months and 5 days left. Maybe I should look at it like a growing chart!! I guess I need to drink my milk...yuck!!

1 comment:

Matt and Megan said...

Thanks for sharing your heart Becky. I admire your strength, and honesty during such a difficult time. I know that you are struggling, yet trusting.

We need to get together again soon.