I wish I could change things....I guess I need to start with me

Well, this morning I got my answer as to why Matt hasn't been around during our usual talk times. He had been borrowing wireless from another guy (with permission), and apparently, he didn't want Matt using it anymore, so he changed his password. Matt sent me an email explaining through his work email. Now, we are back to square one with communication. All emails, im's, and phone calls took place on Matt's laptop with the wireless. He is now limited to work email for the time being, which makes contact very few and far between. To say today, this weekend, has been a struggle, would be an understatement. One discouragement, or blow after another seem to be coming Matt's way, and ultimately, my way. When we take a step forward, it does feel like we're taking a step back. Even as I typed this post, I lost half of what I had already written....let's see if I can remember.

I still have hope...

I spoke with a dear friend, sister in the Lord, tonight (you know who you are!!). She offered much of the encouragement I was in need of ...though I still believe it's a process. She let me talk (and sob) for a couple hours without me feeling overly sensitive or ridiculous. She truly listened, spoke words of wisdom and encouragement, shared the promises in Scripture, and asked some thought provoking questions. "Becky, where do you see God in all this?" To be honest, that is sort of tough for me to answer, or tough for me to explain. There are moments I feel super blessed ...you know, those moments you are alone and just bask in God's love. My emotions seem to come in waves though. Emotions tend to build up till they overflow. I have my time of tears, and then I become refreshed again and am able to continue on for days or weeks of relatively content Becky. Rough times, like this past weekend come around... I don't feel punished, and I know God hasn't left me/us, and I know that He cares for us and loves us. Yet, they are mostly times of hurt and heartache. In some ways, I feel hurt because God hasn't abandoned us, yet He isn't changing some of the situations for the man I love so dearly. I hurt the most seeing him seemingly getting the short end of the stick time and again. Because some of these difficulties deal with communication, it makes it even harder...because it is that much more difficult to try to encourage him. I send mail, but we all know that takes weeks, or as we know, doesn't even make it there at all. Emails aren't flawless either. So, I am being challenged to count it all joy despite the circumstances. My friend reminded me joy isn't the same is happiness and it's ok for tears to fall...because "Jesus wept" too. I think on the verse: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2....there's more...."Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3

Christ counted it as joy to endure the cross. Now, I don't consider this time of trial as one in the same as enduring crucifixion, but His joy during that time was not of happiness. It is still amazing to me to see that word "joy" in the same sentence, but nevertheless, I believe it is true, and something for me to learn "more" about I guess. This is a time of "faith perfecting" for me. (Boy, it sure is not perfect yet.) It is also a reminder that He is the author of our lives, but my eyes need to remain on Him, "fixed." He is able to do more than we can ask or imagine...and it's difficult for me if I don't see much happening in that regard, at least what I can see with my eyes...no lazy, wavering eyes looking around you, Becky, fix them on Jesus! So, I will work on taking these days one at a time with a joyful heart. I still ache for the wrongs in Matt's and our paths and shed some tears through the disappointments but aim to do better at fixing my eyes on Jesus. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can be no greater encouragement and partner to my husband then when I am joyfully, faithfully, and unwaveringly walking with the Lord.

*I love you, Matt! We're enduring this together...3 strands of cord...

packages and more packages

It feels like Christmas around here...or maybe it feels like Easter! :)

Our California photo book arrived yesterday! I was so excited. I think it turned out really well, and I am super pleased. I'm still waiting on our wedding album photo book to come...nervously waiting. I hope I'm just as pleased. We're also still waiting for the shirts we ordered.

Today, I did some Walmart grocery shopping. I needed some stuff to make cupcakes for tomorrow, and I wanted to get a bunch of goodies to send Matt and his guys. I still need to go look for a new microwave (yup, ours bit the dust over a cup of hot chocolate), but that will be next time. I just finished the cupcakes and packing his box. It looks like I'll have to wait and mail it on Monday. I'm too late for today. After I made the cupcakes and packed the box, I realized I didn't get much in the line of groceries for around here, but that's ok. I had sooo much fun filling his box!! (except for the fact I got a hunk of a papercut, or cardboard box cut, from wrestling with a Rice Krispies Treats box...I'm going to need to change that bandaid soon. I just get hyper and sometimes make "hasty decisions," right Matt?) Anyway, I love making things that make my Man smile. There are a few goofy things in there, but I won't share yet because I don't want to spoil the surprise. Maybe I can get him to send pictures of it! Yes, my husband reads my blogs when he can. I just may be one in a million!

Even though today has been a good day for the most part, I have been a little down. It's one of those days I just get hit with heart ache for missing him. It didn't help that his internet was down yesterday and today (at least that is probably the case, I haven't heard yet), so we weren't able to talk when we were supposed to. That leaves me missing him like crazy even though we did talk earlier that morning. (Please don't roll your eyes or tell me, "o stop it!" about this because it may cause me to roll up my sleeves....I mean, I am thankful when we are able to talk quite a bit because I know that is a gift in and of itself, but it really still isn't the same as having him around. Oh, to be hugged and held again again. Sometimes it's kinda tough for me to see couples together...but we're getting there. This week has been a little extra "soft" for me after having an awful dream about Matt at war. I won't go into detail, but it was scary and too real, and basically all I could do was stand there and watch.) Anyway, that morning while we talked, we played checkers, go fish, BINGO, and air hockey together online. It was so much fun and gave us something else to do "together." The highlight was definitely winning yahoo BINGO during the same game (we think we had the same board)! I even dragged my laptop to the bathroom with me during BINGO...more than you wanted to know I'm sure...don't worry, I washed my hands. It was so great, and I believe God threw in that little special win for us at the same time. Silly as it might be, I was touched by it....ok, I can be a little emotional these days.

So, this week I'm thankful for flat rate boxes, goodies I can stuff in it, webcams, online games, the opportunity to communicate and love, the love of my husband, and the love and promises of our Lord and Savior. Happy Easter!!

*I love you Bubbers! Happy Easter!

"pools of blessings collect after the rains" Psalm 84:5-7

Hmm, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about in this blog. I have lots of thoughts running through my head....both silly and serious. I guess I'll start talking about yesterday for a bit and move into today...it's gonna be a long one.

I went to church, and Dad was talking about Noah's descendents and blessings and curses...and to be honest, I don't remember much. So, I'm going to have to read those emails he sends out. He touched on our times of blessing could be when we least expect it, or when we're experiencing trials. We had communion. I had some good me and God time through prayer...knowing I need some change, change of attitude, heart, and action...but this was also just sort of a beginning. I am starting to "feel" a little bit more, which was one area I was praying about. Feelings can get you into trouble, but I can be somewhat rebellious by pushing those feelings away. I can't really describe it. Poor Megan, checked up on me after church, and I was ridiculously ambiguous and confusing. I'm sorry that I still am going to be confusing. Basically, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, I can put myself on cruise control or become a robot. I don't really "feel" much lately. I am in more of a "just do it" mentality. I am going through these days lately, mostly exhausted on every level. I am eating, sleeping, working, doing chores, but without much life. Then Dad spoke about hard times or what seems like what might be a hard time coming your way as really a time of blessing. I was thinking, "I don't see this as much of a blessing right now."

I don't feel like our time apart is because we're being punished by God or anything like that. The only way I can explain my real thoughts and feelings (though they have not been expressed appropriately) is heartache or broken heartedness. I feel so lonely, it's hard to even describe. I know God hasn't left me, but for some reason, I'm not always running to Him like I should. Instead I just "cope." It's like I just get through each day because I have to and there's no other choice. Then there are times I let out some of those heartache tears because I've reached my limit and eventually, the tears tire me out, and I tell myself to "suck it up cupcake" because my tears aren't going to change the situation. I do believe some of the things that have occurred lately and yesterday...were in part meant to break me and pull me closer to the One who loves me more than I can imagine. As I took communion, I asked the Lord to help me feel again, really feel, so I can be straight with where I am and work this out between Him and I because I have been avoiding Him. For some reason, I felt like it would be harder to let go...probably because at least I could control something. Yes, I think some of this is a control issue. I think God has a sense of humor by giving me so many things out of my control to remind me, "Earth to Becky, I, I, am in control!" These days can be blessed days if I'm truly living for Him. The reason they aren't are just because of that, I'm not letting go of me and living for Him. I started to get a tear in my eye while I prayed during communion, and I tried to suck it back in, not let it drop. Then I remembered what I prayed for. I won't "feel" if I stuff it. So, I let some tears fall...I felt like God was wanting me to let them go quietly, let out some of those tears, so He has more room to work. I just couldn't totally get that. I only knew God wanted me to be real, even if that was all.

At the beginning of this journey of Matt and I being "separated", I was gung-ho, as much as I think I could be, as far as trusting God. I knew He had a plan for all this. I was excited to see the blessings through all this...even though it was going to be hard. And, this was real. I have these red, white, and blue construction paper chain links strung "decoratively" (haha) in our apartment. At the beginning, I would tear a link off each week and write the blessings of that week right on the link. I saved them. Weeks/Months went by and it was getting more difficult...I found myself in a rut. I was late at tearing them, couldn't remember which week was which, and sometimes I felt like all I could write was, "Matt loves me." I felt like that, true as it is, was pretty generic and a copout. So, I stopped writing them. One thing after another, I spiraled down, and clenched my fists even harder. I didn't even realize it. This was just my way of "getting by."

Friday, I spent the day with my Mom and we watched "Joe Somebody." If you've ever seen the movie, Tim Allen, gets beat up in the parking lot at work in front of his 12 year old daughter. He stops going into work and wallows in his pity. Then, he wants to take action somehow. So, he starts cleaning his house like mad, bleaching everything. It's quite comical, but I was totally hit with a mirror! No, I didn't start drowning myself in beer bottles, but there were times I was cleaning my apartment like a mad woman. I was cleaning everything, and I was disgusted by everything no matter how clean I got it. I was wiping down the walls in every room with Lysol wipes. I'm laughing about this now, and thinking, I can't believe I'm writing this stuff. It's true. Now, let me say, it is not a bad thing to clean your apartment/house. It isn't even a bad thing to wipe down walls occassionally, they build up dust and get scratches, etc, but I was going over the top. I rearranged our bedroom and office room. I was pushing dressers and our bed and heaving mattresses around like one of the American Gladiators would...ok, maybe not quite like them. Rearranging is fun for me and an ok thing to do too. However, I realize now even these little things were attempts of me trying to hang-on to control...someway somehow and to distract me. That might not make sense to you, but it really does for me.

So, I had a good start at church yesterday, but knew I needed to deal with this more. I just wasn't entirely sure how because I didn't fully understand. I was really cranky after church, really cranky. Then I took a nap and was more refreshed physically and mentally. I went home from my parents' late that evening. I checked the bathroom noise, and the water was still running. Then I went to put some laundry away in our room. I went to hang up an article of clothing in my closet...I don't even remember what, and I noticed my sock was just about soaked. Huh, maybe it's because my shoes had some snow on them and I stepped in the puddle it made. Then I hung something else up and my other sock got wet. OHHH NOO! No! You have got to be kidding me!! I bent down and touched the carpet with my hand, yes, it was wet. I wondered if I was imagining it. Maybe it's just cold. I bent my knee down to reach around the closet floor. The knee of my jeans soaked through. I started breathing really heavy. I was so mad. I called my parents. They told me to call my landlord. Obviously, we had a leak all along! He had me check certain areas of the other side of the house's basement (I found excess water) and he told me to take everything out of the closet and that side of the room, he'd come first thing in the morning. I called my parents again, totally aggravated that nothing would happen till tomorrow, and burst into tears. I got off the phone and started picking things out of my closet. I let out huge grunts, yells, admist me talking to no one and crying through it all. It was probably the most pathetic thing you've ever seen...haha. I am laughing about it now. I'm surprised my upstairs neighbors didn't come down thinking I was being attacked. Each thing I picked up that was wet made me more angry and exhausted...hence the crying. Imagine if I didn't have that short nap earlier!! It was 11:00 by the time I was done grunting, yelling, and hauling wet sleeping bags, blankets, stuffed animals, a trombone, my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, a night stand, and other stuff out of our closet and that half of the bedroom. I got into bed and just said, God, I can't do this anymore. I am utterly exhausted. I am tired of trying and trying to "do" everything by myself and I'm tired of feeling alone. He reminded me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened [or heavy laden] and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 Then, I also heard, "Cast all your anxiety [or cares] on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 These promises weren't particularly new to me, but oh how forgetful we can be, I can be anyway.

God loves me. God cares for me. God is right here with me. One of the phrases Matt and I like to hear from each other is, "I'm right here. I'm with you." Sometimes, it's a little silly because we know the other person is there...they are right there! However, it's not meant in the physical sense necessarily, but the Spiritual, we are bound together and we choose that, and we love each other. It was as if God was telling me, "I'm right here. I'm with you." And so, I fell asleep next to the bridesmaid dresses and ball dress next to me on the bed, comforted, that I am not alone, I am not meant to live and carry out these things alone. He really is right here with me. Now, it's my turn to act like it and live like it again, or even more than before. This morning I was listening to Barlow Girl, a favorite, their "Surrender" song...

"My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your call
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?"

So, here I am, letting go of the control and trying to live like I am blessed because I know I am. I know this will be a continuous process since these things sometimes "creep up on me," but I'm not walking alone. I am also reminded of Matthew 6:25-34. He really does care for me. Wow, I really am blessed..."thank You for saving me...for we know Your truth has set us free...You've set you're hope in me...Great is the Lord" (Delirious).

*I love you, Matt. Thanks for your call this morning. I am so blessed!

looking "forward" to little faces in the rearview mirror

This week we started another part of our journey. I started my rounds of blood tests to see where I am (no, I'm not delirious, I know where I am right now....I know what you were thinking). It is not a secret that Matt and I desire children. Hence, the Outback, Matt's little Army, my favorite childhood toy being dolls. I have been asked many times what my dream job would be, and I blurt out, "Stay at home Mom." Most people are expecting to hear details about the grade, subject, and location of what and where I'd like to teach, so this catches them a little off-guard. I do enjoy teaching. But, my heart yearns to raise children. It didn't take me long into marriage to start talking about expanding our family (hmm, January or February after getting married in December? :) ) Have you ever been so in love with someone you just can't wait to have children just like them? Matt is going to be such a wonderful father. Ohhh, little Matthews. (I don't know if I'm ready for little Beckys yet...reflect back on my response to the Stranger Danger talk with my Mom).

Anyway, it would be an understatement to say I was "disappointed" as time went on without having joyous news to share. That is an up and down road in and of itself. It hasn't been a super long time to require testing, but there are certain things that are a little off. So, we're ruling things out and trying to make changes. This time apart from Matt hasn't been so much fun (since we need to wait even longer)...well, yeah... but I am still hopeful for the future, the near future :) So, the other day while out shopping, I picked up a cute "little one" outfit. Hey, I haven't done that in a long time, and it was a super deal! Maybe I'll share more in another post. I have more in here...but it's not quite ready yet.

*I love you, Matt. We're in the 7 month range!

Growing Pains on the Homefront!

So, I am slowly figuring out that I should've pursued a different occupation...with good training. I received a good education, but I never learned what is truly necessary. I should've been a plummer!!

Oh yes, another joy of dealing with things on my own. My toilet worked fine this morning. I took a shower and what should've been a hot shower that lasts 3 minutes and every 30 seconds I have to progressively turn it hotter and hotter to maintain that nice hot (ok, warm warm) shower. Today, it was all hot! I'm talking boiling potatoes HOT! I had the cold cranked up and could not shake the boiling temperature. Well, finally it was ok, then it turned freezing. So, I was in the shower for 10 minutes without getting clean...because it was too hot or too cold. Grrr. I was finally able to just push through a little bit of a too hot shower rather than a freezing cold one. This didn't feel so good on my cuts from yesterday...umm, I tried shaving with a bent razor (Ok, I dropped it and instead of it breaking like usual, it totally bent, but it was brand new, and I didn't want to waste it)...yeah, not a good idea, especially considering it being brand new!! The water pressure was also not as good as usual. I've seen a gradual decline in this over the past couple months but never wanted to deal with it. Hey, I already used drano because I had some clogged drains. I did a little more getting ready and needed to use the toilet. I did my business. Went to flush it. Clank! I pressed that magic button that makes the water swirl and disappear, but nothing happened! I wasn't feeling the greatest this morning, and this just tipped me over, tipped me over, tipped me over...something. I suppose I can walk around the house with the typical plummer pants style (aka, showing off my plummer's crack), but that's about as far as my abilities go!

We have oven issues, kind of like the shower, it's too hot or too cold, our dishwasher doesn't work, and we don't have much heat because our costs are so outrageous. Yes, I'll be on the phone about that bill too today. I also have a broken mailbox. Well, the door is hanging by a thread, and everytime we get mail, it dangles. Lately, the ice has actually been helping seal it shut! haha

Did I mention we're thinking of renting out our place for a vacation getaway?

I'm also having a few tax issues...umm, involving no access to Matt's military W-2's. Just another headache. It looks like I'm going to have to request an extension until he has access to a computer for real! Do I really know what I'm doing, NOPE! I take my brother's wonderful advice for me when I hated learning to drive: "Just act like you know what you're doing!" (Yes, there are reasons I'm in the passenger seat!) Anyone with experience here, please HELP!!

I never knew that I would be growing this year in quite this way. At least I can laugh about it...ok, sometimes, I can laugh about it...ok, maybe in 20 years, I will look back on this time and laugh about it. All prayers are appreciated!

*I love you Matt! I'm holding down the fort...sort of! 8 months from today!

Bump in the Road

Ok, so I didn't write this, I wasn't going to write this...but here's to honesty. I can't always be worried about offending. My whole day wasn't wonderful. I cried the whole way home from dinner because I found out Matt's brother is getting married in May. No, I'm not a scrooge about weddings, I actually love going to weddings. However, Matt will miss it. He will have missed both brothers' weddings because of the military, and it's so disappointing. It's true, weddings are not the most important or lasting part of marriage, it's only 1 day, but it is the holy time of vows, the committment before God and friends and family, and the beginning of a lifetime of love through the good and bad. I know Matt wants to be there...so much. His brother was Matt's best man. It breaks my heart knowing how much he wishes he could be there and that he can't...unless some miracle happens. And yes, my "humanness" and "fight for my Man" part of me is angry at the timing. Hence, why I cried the whole way home. This is one of those times it stinks not being in the driver seat. And so I am reminded, "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8). I think I need to roll down my tinted window so I can let some more light in. So there again! I'm stretching myself by telling more of the real stuff.

*I love you, Matt!

1st one

Ok, so where do I even begin? I have so many thoughts. Whoever reads these, if anybody even does, don't look for good organization, or even coherent sentences, in these posts. I'm just gonna spill it.

I guess I'll start with what, "C'mon Becky...," refers to. Chris Rice wrote this song, "Me and Becky", and Matt really likes it. He wanted that to be our first dance song....but it has a bit of a fast tempo for a slow dance. (Don't worry, he found a good replacement..."Everything's Ok" also by Chris Rice. I guess he's a fan, but I like those songs). I'll share more about our first dance another time. Anyway, that song, "Me and Becky" is sort of our theme song for the year. (You'll have to look up the verses if you're not familiar with it. I'm not technilogically advanced enough to know how to insert a weblink without it being 13 lines long yet. You'll have to be patient with me!) It talks about a girl, Becky, haha, who is living a good, Christian life, and is called to more...So, this year we're holding on tight because God is stretching us, alot.

It was not our ideal situation for Matt to be recalled into the military. We got married (December 16, 2006, ahhh, a good day) and were so excited to travel the road ahead of us...together! (Even our cake topper was the Precious Moments in a car..."Roads of Happiness." Matt loves cars!!) We were bound together in covenant and love, 3 strands of cord. We did everything together. Everything! We were together every second we could be. Then bam! We were hit with his "notice" 3 months into marriage. We got more details a month later, and he relocated 6 months after that. We were thankful for the several months we were given before he left, but boy, those were some agonizing months...dread of what lay ahead and some fears of the unknown.

I am trying to be the most supportive and loving wife I can be. (hmmm, maybe a motto for the wives of military...he's not Army, but you get the idea.) But, I'm not gonna lie, this is tough...super tough! We believe God has a plan through all this, but it is sometimes hard to see. Maybe this is one of those patchwork theories at work. We won't really know why these things happen till we can see all the pieces, or times completed, all put together...or maybe it won't be till we get to heaven.

So, lately, I feel like I need more of the other 2 strands of our cord. It's really hard not being able to be near Matt, hear his voice, even receive emails regularly. It stinks! To be completely honest, it's hard on me spiritually too. I know God hasn't left me. I know that in my mind anyway. I know that to be true from Scripture. Sometimes, I think I just try to block my emotions, so I don't have to deal with them, and that eventually leaves me disconnected. I guess sometimes I trust more in my ability to block feelings than in placing my trust in God who can heal my hurts and restore my emotions. Wow, that's not right, and it's convicting. There are certainly times I cry...just to get some out (sadness and even anger), but I don't always deal with it completely. But, then there are times I remember that song, "Me and Becky" and picture Matt singing it to me anytime we were going to go somewhere. I like to hear "Everything's Ok" quite a bit too. Everything will be ok, God is in control.

Last week, I was having a difficult time, feeling especially lonely. I was reading some other people's blogs and then, I clicked on some of their friends' blogs. I'll admit it: I'm nosey. I'm curious. There is something very interesting and intriguing about being able to read other people's thoughts, real-life stuff. This one particular person (if you somehow hear about this, please don't think I'm a stalker! Your post touched me dearly, at a moment in time I needed it so much. I thought about trying to send you a note about how much I was affected, but I chickened out...again, fearful of being viewed as a stalker..maybe sometime I'll get some guts and tell you) had downloaded a quick video of Rob Bell, entitled "Rain." At first, I thought it was sort of weird (it started with weird music and flashes of different pictures). I really didn't know what to expect. I'd never heard of him before. By the end, I was sobbing. The Lord came to me in such an intimate way as I watched and listened. He met me in my lonely, discouraged place and held me. What an amazing God we have who cares enough to reach us through a computer, that had a video, on a blog, of a friend of a friend. I need to watch that clip again.

So, this is a year of learning to trust in the Lord more than I ever have. I'm moving (more often feeling shoved...haha) out of my comfort zone. Yeah, I suppose I'm moving out of the driver's seat in a lot of ways. (That is very ironic since I don't like driving much...that's another story.) "C'mon on Becky let's go for a ride. If I'm driving too fast, then I apologize, but there's a world out there that we've left behind full of souls as important as yours and mine. Looks like a reckless road and a sacrifice, and I'm crazy scared it may cost our lives. But then I remember Jesus died, so c'mon Becky. Let's go for a ride..." (Chris Rice).

*I love you Man! 115 days done, 8 months and 5 days left. Maybe I should look at it like a growing chart!! I guess I need to drink my milk...yuck!!