I wish I could change things....I guess I need to start with me

Well, this morning I got my answer as to why Matt hasn't been around during our usual talk times. He had been borrowing wireless from another guy (with permission), and apparently, he didn't want Matt using it anymore, so he changed his password. Matt sent me an email explaining through his work email. Now, we are back to square one with communication. All emails, im's, and phone calls took place on Matt's laptop with the wireless. He is now limited to work email for the time being, which makes contact very few and far between. To say today, this weekend, has been a struggle, would be an understatement. One discouragement, or blow after another seem to be coming Matt's way, and ultimately, my way. When we take a step forward, it does feel like we're taking a step back. Even as I typed this post, I lost half of what I had already written....let's see if I can remember.

I still have hope...

I spoke with a dear friend, sister in the Lord, tonight (you know who you are!!). She offered much of the encouragement I was in need of ...though I still believe it's a process. She let me talk (and sob) for a couple hours without me feeling overly sensitive or ridiculous. She truly listened, spoke words of wisdom and encouragement, shared the promises in Scripture, and asked some thought provoking questions. "Becky, where do you see God in all this?" To be honest, that is sort of tough for me to answer, or tough for me to explain. There are moments I feel super blessed ...you know, those moments you are alone and just bask in God's love. My emotions seem to come in waves though. Emotions tend to build up till they overflow. I have my time of tears, and then I become refreshed again and am able to continue on for days or weeks of relatively content Becky. Rough times, like this past weekend come around... I don't feel punished, and I know God hasn't left me/us, and I know that He cares for us and loves us. Yet, they are mostly times of hurt and heartache. In some ways, I feel hurt because God hasn't abandoned us, yet He isn't changing some of the situations for the man I love so dearly. I hurt the most seeing him seemingly getting the short end of the stick time and again. Because some of these difficulties deal with communication, it makes it even harder...because it is that much more difficult to try to encourage him. I send mail, but we all know that takes weeks, or as we know, doesn't even make it there at all. Emails aren't flawless either. So, I am being challenged to count it all joy despite the circumstances. My friend reminded me joy isn't the same is happiness and it's ok for tears to fall...because "Jesus wept" too. I think on the verse: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2....there's more...."Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:3

Christ counted it as joy to endure the cross. Now, I don't consider this time of trial as one in the same as enduring crucifixion, but His joy during that time was not of happiness. It is still amazing to me to see that word "joy" in the same sentence, but nevertheless, I believe it is true, and something for me to learn "more" about I guess. This is a time of "faith perfecting" for me. (Boy, it sure is not perfect yet.) It is also a reminder that He is the author of our lives, but my eyes need to remain on Him, "fixed." He is able to do more than we can ask or imagine...and it's difficult for me if I don't see much happening in that regard, at least what I can see with my eyes...no lazy, wavering eyes looking around you, Becky, fix them on Jesus! So, I will work on taking these days one at a time with a joyful heart. I still ache for the wrongs in Matt's and our paths and shed some tears through the disappointments but aim to do better at fixing my eyes on Jesus. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can be no greater encouragement and partner to my husband then when I am joyfully, faithfully, and unwaveringly walking with the Lord.

*I love you, Matt! We're enduring this together...3 strands of cord...