My dear David Zephaniah, I love you.
I never knew I'd have a David Zephaniah. Your name was never considered until I needed it, until I needed you...until you were slipping through my fingers. I never knew I would be writing to you and not know if you'll ever see these words. Maybe there are pockets or treasure boxes in heaven for words and prayers of a mother to her children. Even boys in heaven could use pockets! Ok, so you may not have pockets to hold my letters, but I know my God can write it on your heart.
I have so much to tell you that I want you to know. You see, even your name is so special to me, and I don't often call you David. You are my Zephie, my Zeph. (And if you are my little lady, in fact, be patient with Mama, and I will find a more fitting feminine name...but I love you the same.) Zephaniah means treasure of God. I cry because you are my treasure, but God has you in the palm of His hand as his dear child too. You are my baby in heaven, still being formed by our loving Creator, or sitting on the lap of a loved one, or zooming through the fields with the rest of the children. I don't really know how all of this works. Part of me aches even harder not knowing, but through it all, I know you are being perfectly cared for, and I rest in Him, as He carries us both.
I poured through names on July 8th as I feared the worst. I feared I wouldn't see your precious face here, I wouldn't hold your little hand, and I wouldn't kiss your sweet head.
I found Zephaniah.
I found God's treasure.
I found you.
I scanned below the meaning of God's treasure, still recovering my breath, recovering from finding your name so perfectly. And as I did, the love in my heart, the sadness and fear, and the praise to our mighty and loving God mixed together in salty tears pouring down my cheeks...as I read the verse that accompanies your name. The verse for your name spoke volumes to your Mommy, and I know God knew your name long before I did: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matt 6:19-21)
Immediately, I knew that Zephaniah was your name, part of it anyway. That verse, so old to me in many ways, had such new life...and summed up my everything. I have no need to worry over you (yes this Mom can be a pretty good worrier). No death or pain...or rotten mothering days... can ever touch you again. You have been saved!
And oh how my heart is with you, my treasure. You see, I have prayed for my children, for their hearts, long before I was ever a Mom, long before I was ever a wife. God has answered my prayer for you, Zeph. He has never let you go...even if this wasn't the way I'd always hoped or dreamed. My heart is not only with you in heaven, but with Daddy, Stevie, and Lydia here on earth, and their eternal souls. I pray fervently that we all will be together one day.
Your first name is David. That's what we call you around here most because, silly or not, it's a more common name in this world. But I laugh, because I'm sure Zephaniah is nothing in heaven when it comes to crazy names...so there, you are my Zeph. David was specially chosen though because it means beloved. It is also a family name, and you will forever be a part of this family. You are wanted, you are special, you are dearly loved! And now, you are part of an even greater family. You have been taken in as a child of the King! ("How great is the Love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God!" 1 John 3:1) I think that's one thing I struggle with most. I want everyone to know you. You are my dearly loved child, even though you will never share our earthly home. People can't see you...but I know you're there...you are a life, though only weeks with us, you are a life that matters!
I'm working on your name plaque to add to our family one. Your name will have two stars, one on each side of your name, instead of just one. One star for your life with us, and one star for your eternal life in heaven.
We talk about you often with your brother and sister. Stevie smiles and repeats, "David." Before it was confirmed I was pregnant with you, Lydia began lifting up my shirt to touch my belly. I remember Stevie had done that exact thing when I was early pregnant with Lydia too. Only, she still pats and rubs me, and I feel so empty because I wish you were there. You are so special to us, and we hope you are helping them know how much we love each of them because you echo in my heart and in my days, that
You remind me of what's truly important...my children and where they will spend eternity. I have no other treasures I want...my family, and altogether as one in heaven, praising Jesus. You have brought me closer to the heart of God in that as well, because I know that is His desire..."not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9b
Your little life has broken me, has taught me, has renewed me, has instilled a greater trust in our heavenly Father, has brought me peace. Only a treasure created by the hand of God can do that, Zeph. Have a great time, learn lots, and be patient for us. Save some walks so I can hold your hand, and you can tell me all of the wonderful things you've learned and experienced by Jesus' side, and I will kiss your head and share of all He's done for us. Remember, you are always and dearly...and now perfectly, loved.
Love always and through forever,
*July 9, 2012*