Maybe you wonder why I write you all these letters. Maybe these will never be important to you, but just in case, I'll keep writing anyway. And, here are some reasons why...
I like to record memories. I have not been so good at keeping track in your baby book though. Maybe it's because the milestones are randomly thrown down on the same page just leaving a line for the date, and I'd rather write more. There is so much more to your life than typical milestones and dates. They are wonderful. They show how you're growing. But, I want you to know more about the kind of Mom I am to you while you're little, and give you a glimpse of your personality and life as a little boy.
Mostly, I really really want you to know how much I love you. I tell you that, but sometimes I'm a better written communicator than spoken communicator. My writing is one way I show you how much I really love you.
Morbid as this may be...I have a fear. When you were 10 weeks old, I had to have surgery. I'd never had surgery before. I dreaded it. I had never left you...ever...until that day. That was so hard. We dropped you off at Grandma's, and I had put you in your swing. I kissed your head with tears in my eyes and told you I loved you. I was scared to have surgery. Chances were slim, but there is always a chance (weird anesthesia somethings or whatever)...I was fearful that if I did not come home from that surgery, you would never know me, remember me, or...really know how much I love you. Like I said, morbid, I know. It's even hard for me to write. This just isn't commonly talked about with some reasonable reason. It's a reality though. I am struck with the thought every now and then when I pass an accident or hear of tragedies on the news. Life on earth can be short. If for whatever reason I am not here, I want you to be sure of my love for you and your siblings forever. (Hmm, makes me think of the wonderful gift God's Word is. We have the Holy Spirt and God's love letters to us to share more about His love for us while we don't have the opportunity to experience a physical Jesus.)
You see, my entire life I wanted to be a mom. As a little girl, I surrounded myself with dolls and imaginary older children I was mom too. I often had anywhere from 7-10 or more children...all named. We'd spend days together, and even take trips to the store on my car bed. Silly little girl...dreaming of that time in the future. Now, you are here. I couldn't have dreamed of a cuter, happier, more loveable first child. I choose to be home with you. I may not go to work, but you are my job, you are my joy, and my passion lies in Christ's love overflowing through me to your little heart. How old are you now, reading this? Did you know that? Did you see that? Did you feel that? Has He overflowed your heart?
I write you letters so that you will have records of those milestones, records of those silly memories and the cherished times, but most of all, so you will understand and maybe know my love for you a little bit more. Of course, I still feel like I'm not able to put it in words, but this will have to do for now.
As you grow, this is still so strong on my heart: "A Mother's Prayer" by Rachel Aldous
With love and a kiss,