Saturday, January 16, 2010

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

You are 7 months old and won't be my baby for much longer. I've been looking back at your newborn pictures and am amazed at how quickly and how much you have changed. You only had that newborn "look" for about a week of your life on the "outside." I miss that long black hair and those squinted eyes, but I am loving the little boy you are growing to be, with lighter hair and huge, handsome, blue eyes. I look at the back of your head often, not because I am lacking tons to do, but because you sit on my lap and you love your floor time...and watching you brings me such joy. Even the back of your head has turned into a little boy head. I loved your baby head before, and I love your little boy head now.

I was talking with your dad yesterday about how much joy you've brought to my life in these short 7 months...and those long 9 1/2 months, haha. I had greatly desired to be pregnant, but not to be pregnant all my life. I wanted you...I wanted that baby, that boy, that teenager, that young adult, that adult son...I wanted you! I could never have imagined how cute you'd be and so full of personality so young. I wasn't much of a hugging or kissing person till I met your dad, and then it was only for your dad. Yeah, I know, "Gross, Mom." I wondered if I would be able to show you the affection I had for you. Right after you were born, I loved you so much. You were the first born child I waited for. All the time I spent babysitting others' children, and nieces and nephews, being a mom was so brand new. The day we left the hospital, your dad was carrying loads of our stuff and your gifts out to the car. We were spending time together. You got a little fussy, probably wanting to eat but we were leaving soon...and we were still getting to know each other. I laid you on my chest, smelled your little head, and sang. I sang Jesus Loves Me over and over and over. Oh, how I want you to know that. You snuggled right in, and I kissed your head. Of course I kissed you after you were born, but this time, I knew our adventure was starting. We were heading home, and oh, how much I wanted you to know I loved you. Now, as you play and I come over to play with you or interrupt you, I can't help but kiss those cheeks. Every time I pick you up, you get slathered. When I put you down for naps and bed time...kisses and, "I love you Stephen!" If I were a lipstick wearing woman, you would have a red face, red hair, red hands, red feet, red arms.

We went through some difficult times getting you adjusted to naps. After weeks of crying and me praying...having no idea what to do, we realized you just needed a fuller tummy, and a little more transition time. For about a month after coming to that conclusion, you would cry a bit, I'd come back in and rub your head. It would only take a few minutes before you fell asleep. I realized then, that the other things could wait...the things I longed to do during those nap time breaks could wait. I'm rubbing my boy's head instead. I realized it was just a phase. I realized I have never heard of an 18 year old boy needing his head rubbed to go to sleep, so for now, while I can, I will rub your little head and watch those dreamy eyes close. I'm glad I did...for that only lasted a little while. Now, you drift off to sleep after some romping time on your own in the crib listening to the music your Dad and I were married to. Yeah, it's lovey-dovey, and I know, you're a boy, but I want you sure of the love your parents have for each other, sure of the love we have for you, and most emphatically sure of the love your Heavenly Father has for you too.

You have changed my life, Stephen. I am so excited for the ways you are growing and developing, but I cherish these 7 month moments. I have always wanted to be a mom. I have always wanted to stay home with my children. Since spending my days at home with you, I noticed I don't even think about being anywhere else. You are such a gift, Stephen, a gift from God. So, as we continue this journey of Mom and son, both growing and learning, remember how much I love you.

Love always and with a kiss,

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