Saturday, April 26, 2008

"If I had a memory book..."

When I was little, I was my mom's little Laura Ingalls Wilder. I had the dark hair, freckles, similar voice and spunk to Laura, well Melissa Gilbert anyway. Sometimes, I think about her line, "If I had a memory book..." she'd record those sights and feelings she had during the good times and the hard times. She said this as a very young girl on her family's way out to the prarie as they left behind their home and grandparents. They left the familiar on their way to the unknown.

Today, is one of those "memory book" times for me, sort of. I had a wonderful talk with Matt over webcam this morning, but I wonder, when will it be easier to say goodbye? It is such a roller coaster to say good-bye over and over again. I said good-bye in Ocotber when he left home, in November after a short weekend together, in December after 3 blessed weeks together, after every phone call and instant messenger session. It honestly doesn't get easier, and I still get teary, especially for the long-term-short-term good-byes. Today, I said good-bye again. Matt is getting on the boat tomorrow and that means another month and a half with little communication. I am so thankful for the communication opportunities we have had so far, however unreliable, however long or short. I love my man and just hearing his voice or seeing his "digital" face over webcam calms me and fills me with such joy. Those times are truly the highlight of my day and what I look forward to most. Ending and letting go, however, are the least favorite times for me. I know, for some, this time apart really isn't all that long, but for us, it is. I did not get married to live apart. I did not get married to not talk and share times and memories together. I just long to be with the other part of our "one". I am not angry with Matt for being in the military, but sometimes it is difficult since he was recalled... because he wanted to be done. Those creepers come up every time I say good-bye...just wanting this to be over.

Lately, I've been thinking and looking forward to the time when this will be over. So much is unclear along the way and as we look towards what lies ahead. Matt will be coming home any time between July and October. Then the hunt for jobs are on as well as for an apartment or a house! I am sooo excited to move! We have a lot of questions about when and where. My job also depends on when he comes home...do I even look for a full-time teaching position if he doesn't end up coming home till October?...if that's the case, I want to be with him as much as I can...and San Diego isn't around the corner! All these varying factors kind of caught me off guard this week, and to be honest, did get me a little anxious. At this point, I don't even care where we move (weelll, I prefer within the U.S.) as long as I'm with Matt! (That's another favorite line of mine from Little House, Caroline says to Charles that she goes where he goes and her home is whereever he is.) I know Who has this all in His hands and that's where I can rest too, safely and securely. Matt and I had a devotion on trusting in the Lord this morning. How fitting? I hope I don't always seem negative in my posts. Writing is just one of my outlets these days especially, and I'm just throwing down my thoughts of the moment. I just may need some reminders to continue hanging on and trusting...and maybe a few tissues and a few good jokes along the way.

For now, I'm taking that (eh hem, now expensive) covered wagon to the bank, the store, checking out a garage sale, coming back home to make little cupcakes for the baby shower tomorrow and take care of other things around our little house.

*Thinking of you! I love you Bubbs!!

2 comments:

Andrea and Richie said...

Ah, a fellow Little House addict :) Do you have the series? I've got seasons 1-3 and hope to have them all some day. I can't wait to sit with my daughter (laura!) and watch them... they have such good family values and lessons in them - not something you find everyday on tv now!

Becky said...

Yes, I love Little House! I have season 1 and my mom has season 3...we hope to get more (and we don't have cable to watch it on tv). My nieces are fans too!